I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
how drunk are you?
Several
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
