Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
