I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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