He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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