Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
