I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
