fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
