I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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