Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
As shirtless as possible
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
