My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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