Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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