don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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