Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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