Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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