and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
