totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize