Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
