dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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