I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
