If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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