apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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