im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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