the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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