So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
