last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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