she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
