i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
