i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
