I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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