You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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