I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
