hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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