I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize