Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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