He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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