All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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