If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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