I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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