She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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