Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
