I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
