Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
