so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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