birth control should be required to get into college
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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