we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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