It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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