you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
