saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
