I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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