How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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