if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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