I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
