the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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