you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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