I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
