I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
