i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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