you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The air was thick with penises
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
